I’ve been writing and rewriting this blog post for the last 5 days. Nothing seems right or cohesive or poignant enough to publish. Then I stop and think, well shoot, this is my blog, it doesn’t need to be perfect, it just needs to be honest. So here goes…
There is a lot of ambiguity in my life right now, a lot of areas that I wish I were doing a better job at: career, balance, motherhood, friendships, this space. I’m trying really hard not to play the compare game but I’m feeling rather scattered and stagnant.
I’ve been thinking a lot about making space lately. Clearing, weeding, pruning, sorting, tossing, not so much literally, though I’m always game for a good purge, but emotionally, professionally, mentally.
Having a baby is a big wake up call to the speedy passage of time. Watching my little blob turn into a smiling, chattering, laughing baby, has made me reevaluate my own time. I’ve been asking myself the big questions:
What do I want to spend my time doing?
What parts of my life bring me joy?
Which drain me?
What boundaries do I need to make in order to lead a more balanced life?
What parts of my life am I shying away from for fear of failure?
Simply, what needs changing?
Lately Michael and I have talked a lot about change. We’re both navigating the world of balancing family with career, passions with reality. This isn’t a novel concept. It’s as though nearly every person I talk to is in the same boat.
I’ve struggled a lot with the balance of working vs. being a mom. After Noe was born I immediately jumped back in as though nothing had changed, although everything had. Lately, I’ve been nagged by the idea that the hours I am choosing to be away from my daughter should be meaningful, fulfilling, basically worth the time away. This has brought about the personal struggle of being a mom and still being an individual. It’s crazy, motherhood has a way of rocking your identity to it’s core while also providing you with the most basic and natural identity imaginable.
That’s when the whole idea of making space began to formulate. What can I let go of to make room for a better fit? Leaving the familiar behind to embrace the unknown is seriously hard. In my case I’ve decided to leave my current job to make space for career opportunities that are more aligned with my new [mom] state. That’s been hard to do without judgment.
I was talking with a good friend last week and joked that I was basically a quitter. We both laughed but there’s some truth in that statement. I hate to think of myself as a quitter and it’s been hard for me to let go just because I had a baby. But I need to keep reminding myself over and over that that’s precisely why I need to move on and it’s not a bad thing. Situations change and you must adjust.
As you can easily tell, this change has brought up a serious bout of insecurity as I navigate my next move. There are times when the newness of the unknown is exciting and others where I feel completely frozen on this path. It’s also extra nerve wracking writing it all out. I thought about keeping this to myself but I think it’s important to share the in between space as much as the final product. The in-between space is gray, goopy and scary but also ripe for change.
And, I know that I need this change. I need to let go of those things that have run their course to make room for new adventures, new paths, new challenges. I have faith that a better fit awaits but it doesn’t make it any less daunting. If you’re right there with me, know that you’re not alone.
Enjoy and Exhale!